Unless you’re new to this blog, you know I’m an optimist. If you are new to this blog, welcome! Pull up a chair, have a look around. I hope you find something useful here. And oh, by the way, I’m an optimist. I can’t even tell you why that’s so, but I’ve always been. Even when things are absolutely shit, I still believe to the core of me in some way, somehow, things are going to be okay. Even if it’s a new definition of okay. I don’t think it really serves in purpose being pessimistic, because when you’re a pessimist and things go wrong, not only are things bad for you, but you’ve been miserable for a long time up to that point – because you’ve just been waiting for it turned to shit. “I told you so” is a cold comfort. Seeing it coming doesn’t necessarily make anything better. It makes you right, I guess, and if that makes you happy good on you. But the anticipation of misery just makes the lead-up miserable also. Besides, it really will be okay. I know it.
There are those of you out there who call yourself a realist. You’re not, really. You’re just a pessimist without imagination. If you are going to expect things to be bad, at least have some imagination on how you get there.
So, yeah, optimist. Even though the end of my path is set and dark, there’s still a lot of light here. More than I ever would’ve thought possible. I’ve waxed poetic elsewhere and I will again, and again, and again. Because it’s accurate. There is so much good in my life, more than ever thought I deserved, or possible, even. It’s here. I see it. It’sbright and glorious and why I continue to wake up every day.
Some days it’s really fucking hard to see that light. Occasionally the darkness and the unfairness and the all-around bullshit and fuckery that is ALS creeps in the edges and obscures everything until it’s really hard to see anything good. Everything looks like a shit sammich and the world feels awful and hard. And when that happens, I take a spa day. Or rather, a S-P/A Day. A day to sit and think and allow myself to be sad. To dwell in self-pity and anger.
Because I mean, it’s really fucked up. I’m not such an optimist I can’t see how fucked my situation is. It sucks that this disease exists at all. It sucks that I have it. It sucks that I got it so young. I wasn’t even 40 years old yet. You’re not supposed to get this disease until your mid 60s. It sucks that it’s taking my hands, and my joys in life are all to do with using those hands to create. Create delicious things, create drawings, create these words that you’re reading right now. I’ll never make another wedding cake, or draw a pretty girl in a corset, or teach myself to knit, or pick back up calligraphy. No evenings whiled away on video games. No more dancing. I loved to dance. Eventually I won’t even have a voice with which to dictate these words. And alllllllll of that …sucks ass.
It sucks that I was diagnosed less than a year after I bought my house. My life was falling into place. I had a job I really loved, I was going back to school to further that career that I loved. I had signed up for driving lessons to easily get myself from my new house to the job that I loved. I had successfully dropped weight I didn’t want and was fitting in my cute clothes again. My plaid miniskirt was a wardrobe option again. I was wearing medium T-shirts and looking good in them. I was cooking healthy food for myself. I had my very own living room to dance in. I was dancing. I was mayyyyyyyyyyyyybe open for a new romantic possibility; my divorce was amicable and well in the rearview and there had been a few crushes. I was decorating my new home to be exactly the living space I had always wanted. I had a huge, gorgeous backyard just begging for a garden, and I had such plans for that garden.
It’s not. Fucking. Fair.
So yeah. Usually I can take it on the chin and keep smiling and find the good. Because there really is a lot of good. And it almost always outweighs the bad. But some days it doesn’t. It can’t. And on those days I sleep a lot, I take Ativan, I cry, and just generally wallow. I allow myself self-pity. I allow myself to get angry. And when the anger comes, I let it fill me and I feel it to the core and I rage. And I hate. And I keep crying. And then I sleep some more.
And then when it is over, when I’ve given it a whole day, I can put it aside again. I allow it one day of my life, and then the rage and sadness get shunted aside in favor of the day-to-day living that must happen. It gets overshadowed by the joy that still here. My anger serves its purpose and then it’s done. Until the next time. I try not to let mourning for who I could have been – and who I was becoming – overrule the happiness I could still grasp if only I allow myself to look for it. It’s not all doom and gloom, but sometimes it has to be. Just for a little while. So it can fill me, and pass through me, and keep me in touch with my own grief.
Every now and again it’s important to give those emotions their own time, so that I can put them away and get on with the day-to-day living that’s necessary, and to fully appreciate all of the fucking amazing things that are still very much a part of my life.