(It’s Friday night. J is over, we’re playing Horizon Zero Dawn. It’s late. We’ve been playing for hours and my back is a little cramped from sitting weird on the bed. Things quickly went sideways.)
we need to move
Ok, Body, we’ll shift a bit.
no, like, we need to move right now. right now. move. need.
Move where?
the chair i don’t give a fuck need to move now it’s kinda hard to breathe
Ok, I’ve asked J to let us out. We’ll sit in the wheelchair for a little bit. He’s gotten up to go to the bathroom. Let’s take our time.
HEY WHY CAN’T WE BREATHE RIGHT NOW
We can, Brain, but it’s always a little hard to catch our breath when trying to scoot across the bed. It’s an awesome bed, holy crap so comfortable, but damn is it hard to move around in. We’re just short of breath from trying to haul ourselves to the edge. It’s ok.
it’s absolutely not ok
OK YAH SERIOUSLY? WE CAN’T GET AIR IN. LIKE AT ALL.
I can reach the breath stack exerciser. Let’s use that to get a proper breath and then we’ll move some more.
it’s not working can’t breathe
WHY IS IT NOT WORKING WHAT’S GOING ON WHY CAN’T WE BREATHE HOLY SHIT
Calm. We’re just tired, let’s get to the edge of the bed and sit up straight. Expand the lungs.
can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe
Ok, how about the AVAPS machine? It’ll help. It’s designed to breathe when we can’t.
IT WON’T POWER ON WHY WON’T IT POWER ON??? HOLY FUCK!! ARE WE GOING TO DIE RIGHT NOW?! WHY WON’T IT POWER ON? WE ARE DYING!!
No, just..
can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe
J IS GOING TO COME BACK AND FIND US DEAD ON THE FLOOR IF WE DON’T START BREATHING!! RIGHT NOW!!
Maybe we can call him for help.
not enough breath to yell can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe
WE ARE GOING TO DIE RIGHT NOW
Oh god. We really can’t breathe. What do I do?
You Calm Down. You’re Not Dying.
Um…you’re new. Hello? You are?
Hello. I Am Your Higher Brain.
can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe
YOU KNOW WHAT IF WE DIE RIGHT NOW IT WOULD TOTALLY BE OKAY IF THIS IS WHAT IT’S GOING TO BE LIKE ALL THE TIME BECAUSE WE CAN’T BREATHE
I have a Higher Brain?
Sure. You Know How When You’re In A Crisis, You Get Really Pragmatic And Don’t Panic But Just Do What Needs Doing? That’s Me. I’m The Opposite of Lizard Brain, Your Primal Instincts.
sssssUP, hOW’SSSS iT gOING?
can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe
HEY WE SHOULD TOTALLY CALL 911 RIGHT NOW. TRY TO STAND UP, GET SOME AIR IN HERE?? WE ARE GOING TO DIE. LITERALLY DIE.
I’m standing but it isn’t helping!
can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe
Listen. Calm The Fuck Down. If You Can’t Breathe, You’ll Pass Out. That’s Not Dying. You’ll Have More Than Enough Time For An Ambulance To Arrive. This Is OK.
BUT EVEN IF THEY COME IN TIME THIS IS JUST GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN AND AGAIN. MAYBE WE SHOULD DIE AND BE DONE WITH IT. THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED.
J is here, let’s have him call an ambulance. I’m standing here gasping like a fish and I can’t tell him what’s wrong. Oh no, he’s ..kinda panicking.
Then Don’t You Think We Should Stop?
can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t breathe
STOP WHAT? DYING?
Panicking. If We Calm Down, We Will Be Able To Breathe.
Wait, is that what’s going on? …Is that why we can’t breathe?
ALS Isn’t A Switch. It’s Gradual. You Don’t Suddenly Lose Use Of Your Hands, Why Would You Suddenly Stop Being Able To Breathe?
Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Shit. OK. Yeah. J even just asked us if that’s what this is. That’s exactly what’s happening. This is a panic attack. This is the worst panic attack I’ve ever had in my entire life, but it is just a panic attack.
can’t breathe can’t breathe can’t oh…ok..i think i remember how to. ok. gonna try to pull in breaths nice and slow. ok. i think we are ok.
NOT DYING! WOOOOOO!! HEY, OUR BAG JUST CAME UNDONE AND WE ARE SECONDHAND PEEING ALLLLLLLL OVER THE CARPET!
My Job Is Done. Later, Guys.
Cool, only now what do I do about calming J down and dealing with the pee going everywhere?
Not My Department.
HEY IT PROBABLY CAME UNSCREWED A BIT WHILE WE WERE SCOOCHING ACROSS THE BED, YEAH? THAT WAS LUCKY.
Wait, what?
yeah what, how is this helpful?
WE’RE NOT PANICKING ANYMORE. NOW WE’RE WORRIED ABOUT THIS. THAT WAS A USEFUL DISTRACTION. J’S WORRY AND THIS MINOR CRISIS HELPED PULL US OUT OF THE WORST PANIC ATTACK OF OUR LIVES. OH ANDI GUESS HIGHER BRAIN HELPED A BIT. BUT NOW WE CAN BREATHE. HOLY SHIT THAT WAS SCARY.
You make several fair points.
COURSE. THAT’S WHY I’M THE SMART ONE.
…Whatever You Say.