Tick Tock

One month as of tomorrow.

Four weeks and five days.

Twenty three working days.

If the cube move happens on schedule, which I doubt, ten more in-office days.

And then two weeks of paid vacation.

And then?

The rest of my abbreviated life, I suppose. The real work begins to find the home I’m going to die in, to make it a place I can live in until that happens, and then finally – FINALLY – my immediate life can be all about just dealing with my symptoms as they come. To deal with my abilities as they go. To actually live the rest of my life until I’ve had enough.

Some not-insignificant part of me is grateful to have an Out of the workforce. It’s a forced retirement, but it’s an escape from the 9-5 capitalist bullshit that has eaten the prime years of my life. The prime of yours, too. I’ve always been a damn Liberal, but more than ever, I am seeing the absolute stupidity of the 40 hour workweek. The need to work, to justify your living with a paycheck.

And it IS a justification.

I’ve seen sneers turn into surprised respect when I tell people what I do for a living. Yeah fucker, this weird-haired, pierced and tattooed bitch has a real life respectable job that requires actual smarts. I earn more money than you, asshole, surprise.

And with the surrender of my employment comes a surrender of that piece of me, that legitimacy in the eyes of strangers that should mean fuck all and yet…it does. It really does. I wish it didn’t. I know it doesn’t mean anything, not really, but our fucking capitalist society has keyed so much of our identities into our paychecks – and who provides that paycheck – that it is going to be really hard to let that go. From being respectable to being a goddamned leech on our social security system even though I HAVE PAID INTO IT MY WHOLE WORKING LIFE, YOU ASSHOLES, I DESERVE THIS BECAUSE I PAID FOR IT AND IT IS MINE. I paid to let your grandma afford her groceries, would have paid more, gladly, as I earned more, to share what I have. That’s what social security is FOR. That’s why we have it. And yet now that it’s time to cash in, even though it will be a very limited time, I feel less than deserving. Am made by much rhetoric and many conservative motherfuckers to feel like I deserve nothing.

Believe me, fuckers, I’d rather be working instead of dying.

One more month of being valid.

Four weeks plus five days plus two weeks vacation.

One more month of being a job instead of a person.

Six weeks of being justified in my existence.

This is such unbelievable bullshit.

3 thoughts on “Tick Tock

  1. You are significant. I did a surrogacy because of you, you mighty world changer! The parents are thrilled thanks to you and your story. Your story gave me the push to do something brave! I try to do something brave everyday! So, when you think that your title matters it does because right you are just Clark Kent but your cape reads, WC. you are mine. Though we have not met how cool is to think a baby exists in the world because of your story? Her name starts with a V too. I wonder how many lives you really have changed unknowingly?
    You do have a job to keep on the good fight and keep up the blogging. You have grit. Your journey kind of reminds me of Christ’s last journey of the cross the teaching stopped, He was so exhausted, He could not carry the cross even. Was He worthless because He could not speak and unable to move?
    In society we have this stupid thing we have to be important you must do, God says your existence is all that matters.
    This probably sounds stupid but let’s take baby V her parents love her and she cannot do anything. You are and will be loved when you can’t do anything. My mom could not do anything when she finally passed from cancer she could not even talk but my dad loved her because it was in her eyes that she knew what was going on. Volumes were spoken in the moments.
    Don’t let society define you. I know you are terrified because it means things are changing but your friends and family are not thinking less of you. I certainly do not think less of you.
    Go and simply be you Mighty WC hero!

    1. You, my friend, always have the most amazing comments to make me feel like a million bucks. I’m not sure what i did to deserve you. Thank you a hundred times over for your kindness and your encouragement. You’re a world-changer, too; mine is so much better for having you in it. <3 <3

  2. Hey,
    Hope my WC is doing good:)
    you can e-mail me anytime
    Your response meant a lot too:) I will cherish that when I forget to wear my cape:)
    I think life brings people into our lives exactly when and where we need them. I’m praying for you! You should always feel like a million bucks in your soul.

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