Kiss Me, I’m Dying

One of my very favorite, most used bits of gallows humor is the idea that the world somehow owes me something because of my disease. I call this the “Fuck It, I’m Dying” defense.

…Of course I don’t actually BELIEVE that, that would be stupid. Even though I know there are some terminal patients who do think that way, it makes absolutely no sense and that’s a ridiculous way to think. I present you my very very favorite poem ever:

A Man Said to the Universe
BY STEPHEN CRANE

A man said to the universe:
“Sir, I exist!”
“However,” replied the universe,
“The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation.”

POW. The world don’t owe you JACK SHIT, my friend, if you’re dying today or tomorrow or a hundred years from now. But it’s funny to think so.

Any time I think I might get in a little trouble at work, like I forgot to submit my monthly status report (OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT TO SUBMIT MY MONTHLY STATUS REPORT! SHIT!) my friend and coworker asks, “What are they going to do, fire a dying woman?” When we don’t choose where I wanted to go to eat, “Demand it anyway. You’re dying. OVERRULED. We’re gonna go get Mexican, bitches.”

I was talking tonight with my dearest Megan (who is awesome and you should BE so lucky to know her) about traveling for business, and sourpuss coworkers who just want to go to the hotel after work and not explore the city. Especially if you’re in another country! COME ON MAN, LET’S GO HAVE AN ADVENTURE. Megan agreed, “Yay, adventure! Demand adventure. Play the I’M DYING YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME ON AN ADVENTURE card.” I told her, “I LOVE that card!”

And then she said, “Okay, now I want to make you cards. Two-sided, business card, or maybe a little bigger, like an old fashioned calling card…One side: I’M DYING. Other side: miscellaneous demands.”

I’M DYING…

I DEMAND CAKE.
I DEMAND SEX.
I DEMAND KITTENS.
I DEMAND ADVENTURE.
I DEMAND FREE STUFF
YOU HAVE TO FORFEIT THIS ARGUMENT
TELL ME I’M PRETTY
BUY ME SOMETHING
CARRY MY SHIT
CARRY ME

I’m sure you all can help me think of other good ones. Let’s hear them.

5 thoughts on “Kiss Me, I’m Dying

    1. I think just a general “I WIN” card would be good. That way it can ALSO come in handy when someone’s trying to go on an on about how they’re more miserable than me. Which, I mean, they’re right? But shut up.

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