INTERNET uses ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE! It’s SUPER EFFECTIVE!

(edit: Oh my dear, precious, sweet sensitive children. How ANGRY you all are. I didn’t write this in perfect seriousness, which I would HOPE was obvious (hyperbole is fun and mental! It’s fundamental!) but I also don’t expect to actually convert anyone to the cause with it. I don’t use gentle, persuasive tones in this piece because I’m not trying to be gentle or persuasive. It’s not a rally, it’s a rant.)

Seriously, world, why all the hate?

I realize that humans are hateful, spiteful creatures and will find a reason to hate on even the most innocuous things.

Awww a sweet boy-meets-girl love story! WHERE IS THE REPRESENTATION FOR THE GAY COMMUNITY!? Uh. Okay. Here’s a sweet boy-meets-boy love story then! WHY ARE YOU SO GENDER BINARIST? HUH? Okay…here’s a ..person meets person love story? WHERE ARE THE PEOPLE OF COLOR AND THE DIFFERENTLY ABLED CHARACTERS? Well I only wrote this with two people total… OH SO YOU ARE BIASED AGAINST POLYAMORY HUH? AND WHAT ABOUT THE ASEXUALS? THIS IS VERY OFFENSIVE.

Seriously, people, calm yo tits.

YOU ARE ASSUMING I AM FEMALE. I AM OFFENDED.

No I’m assuming you’re a bitch.

THAT IS INCREDIBLY SEXIST AND YOUR BLOG IS PROBLEMATIC.

Well my LIFE is problematic, fucker, so what. But while you’re here and angry, my little social justice warrior, let me explain the difference between ACTIVISM and SLACKTIVISM. And why the Ice Bucket Challenge is both, and why that’s okay. (tl;dr – IT IS OKAY BECAUSE IT IS FUCKING EFFECTIVE)

I have a deep-seated hatred for a lot of ‘awareness’ campaigns. I feel you. I cringe when I see pink ribbon bullshit on everything (SERIOUSLY SUSAN G. KOMEN IS AWFUL AND YOU SHOULD NOT GIVE THEM YOUR MONEY). I am actually ANGRY when those stupid games inevitably make their way around on Facebook again, where some girl sends a facebook message to all the other girls on her friends list asking them to post their bra color, or their handbag color, or shoe size, and not explain what that is or why. Let me run this by you:

22!

18!

10!

7!

293495!

…Are you now aware of breast cancer being a problem?

Well, yes, because EVERYONE IS AWARE OF BREAST CANCER. EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK KNOWS WHAT IT IS AND THAT IT IS TERRIBLE. But seeing a string of numbers on your friends feed does NOTHING. Except piss me off, because you’re wasting my time AND feeling smug about it.

This is slacktivism. “Post this status in honor of everyone you know who has died of cancer!” Okay, that does NOTHING. “Sign this online petition!” That does NOTHING. “Retweet this!” NOTHING. Nothing has changed because of you. When you post pictures of abused animals, you are actually HURTING your cause, because I do not like to see that and I will defriend your ass so fast you’ll see smoke.

Protip: If you are friends with the sort of people who need to be told that animal abuse is bad, YOU NEED NEW FRIENDS.

I can see why you might be tempted into Ice Bucket Challenge hate. But let’s see if I can’t calm yo tits FOR you. Hakuna your tatas, as it were:

1. “How does dumping water on your head cure a disease?” It doesn’t. Shut up. No one thinks it does.

2. “This is wasting perfectly good water.” Uh..we can’t send this one bucket of ice water to Africa. Just like the crusts from your sandwiches when you were a kid, this particular act of waste is not taking food/water directly out of the mouth of a person who needs it. If you want to be outraged about water shortages, go write a letter to Nestle and tell them to stop bottling water from drought regions and selling it.

3. “You bought that ice instead of just making some, you could have given that $2 to charity.” True. I also bought this soda, and this shirt, and my bus ticket to get to work. I have a LOT of money I could have given to charity. I didn’t. I’m just not that much of a saint. And neither are you. Until I see you selling your shoes to give the proceeds to charity, until I NEVER see you with a Starbucks in your hand or a store-bought lunch, you can shut it.

4. Most of the videos don’t explain what ALS is. No. Most of them are 7 seconds long, and it takes that fucking long to SAY Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, never mind saying what the fuck it IS.

5. “You’re dumping water on your head rather than donating money”. That’s not necessarily true. In the original bet, it was an either/or. It’s evolved into an AND situation. You don’t get visibility into the bank accounts of the people involved, so you don’t get to see that part and don’t know for a fact that they aren’t. But a lot of people ARE. See #6. Also? There are some little kids doing this. Last I checked, 6 year olds don’t have $100.

6. “This is not doing anything to raise awareness.” You, sir, are a liar. And you should feel bad. Or maybe you’re so wrapped up in your cocoon of IBC hatred that you’ve not seen anything about the RESULTS. So let me educate you:

Today, the ALS Association reported that they have received donations totaling over 22.9 million dollars.

Last year by this time, they’d received 1.9.

Let me do the math for you.

In the last two weeks, the ALS Association has received ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED PERCENT OF ITS USUAL DONATIONS.

ONE.

THOUSAND.

TWO HUNDRED.

PERCENT.

I have no statistic on how much of an increase OTHER ALS charities have seen. Oh wait, let me google that shit for you. Project ALS has raised $96,000 in a single weekend. Team Gleason isn’t reporting, but I know damned well they’ve seen a spike from co-opting this meme (bastards). The MND Association has certainly seen an upswing in donations.

The OTHER thing you don’t see?

Millions of people watching these videos, wondering what the hell ALS is, and then googling it. And learning.

THERE is your awareness, bitches. In these last two weeks, if even a THOUSAND people became aware of ALS without having been directly affected by it (because that’s cheating), then I’d consider it safe to say awareness has been raised. But tens of thousands of people now know what ALS is, when a month ago they were ignorant. And MILLIONS have heard the name.

How the fuck can you hate that?

You can’t.

Sit down. Shut up. Watch the fucking videos. Laugh. Donate some goddamn money. Lighten the fuck up.

3 thoughts on “INTERNET uses ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE! It’s SUPER EFFECTIVE!

  1. You are awesome, this post is awesome, and the SJW assholes who want to get all up in arms about it are cordially invited to suck it. I swear, the whole social justice movement has been taken over by whiny babies desperate to find something to be offended about in everything. They could find a way for adorable puppies and kittens to be “problematic.”

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